Letter 13: Dating

Hello friends,

I hope you’re enjoying the weather and being a part of the summer fun! I bought all the books I’m going to read during the summer, so far, I’ve read two books. As I continue to read more, my tolerance has gone up. I can finish a book of 100+ pages in one sitting, much improvement that I am proud of. Right now, I am reading The Golem and The Jinni by Helene Wecker, which are two POVs on their lives. The Golem is a creature made from clay and is controlled by her master. Once she was created, they were heading off to New York, but her master died on the ship. Now she is trying to make her way on Washington St. As for the Jinni, his copper vase was taken to a tinman so he can polish the vase. The Jinni strikes out after a century of being trapped, trying to comprehend where he is at, the man takes him in and is figuring out his way in a new era of New York. I am excited about how the story ends and being able to start a new book. lol

In today's letter: “Dating” is about Mary giving Laura some insight on how today’s society has caused a lot of harm in the dating world. Pipher highlights that many clients enter dating relationships with unrealistic expectations shaped by media, family influence, or cultural pressures. She encourages Laura to help clients slow down, observe their own patterns, and understand what they are seeking: companionship, validation, distraction, or genuine partnership. She stresses that healthy dating begins with self‑knowledge, not with finding the “right” person.

Mary and her friend Cora were out drinking some limeade and discussing Cora's new boyfriend. She was married years ago when she was in med-school. After three long painful years, she was divorced. She reflects on her marriage and says, “I was young and I wasn’t good at asking for what I wanted. I took too many things personally. The older I get the more I realize that most of what other people do isn’t about me.” After her divorce she avoided close relationships with men. As time passes, she meets a man named Arnie at a singles dance at a church. He’s a general contractor, personable, and hardworking. Cora is trying her best to handle her new relationship and facing her fears of connecting with someone on an intimacy level. She doesn't want to settle for a man that is not worthy of her love, but she doesn’t want to be picky.

Cora and Arnie went on a couple fun dates. She is a liberal and he’s conservative, but they laugh about their political differences (I feel like that is very hard to find today.) However, she worries that Arnie doesn’t put actions in what he says or when she talks about her feelings, he changes the subject. Mart warns her, “Ninety-nine percent of all women say that men don’t know squat about dealing with women’s emotions.” She laughed and said, “I’ve never met anyone in that one percent.”

As Cora was leaving, she told Mary, “I envy my sister. I don’t want to be a housewife, but she doesn’t have to put on expensive, uncomfortable clothes and try to be hip.”

In the dating world, Cora is entering an emotional minefield. Falling in love, having sex, and making commitments, in whatever order you take them, these have always been risky. In different parts of the world throughout time, courtship behaviors have been heavily ritualized. But dating in the 21st century in America is a jungle and we are the survivors.

Cora’s story reminded Mary about other stories she had remembered from her work. For example, Abby is a fun-love charming, but men were intimidated by her because she was a CEO, Wally would choose girls that treated him poorly, Dean and Magenta dated for fourteen years but were never committed to each other, last, Marica and Mitch had a caring relationship except, Mitch always had sexual partners on the side and called them “play relationships.”

During Mary’s time, dating was not a trip down Lala land. She remembers wrestling matches in the backseats and arguments over below-the-neck touch. She recalls the anxiety girls felt and angry guys expressed during sexual negations. She believes it has gotten worse today, in Mary’s opinion and what she has seen during her time is there is more exposed information about sex but there is pressure to be sexual and the worst one, AIDS.

Being a part of the dating world can be contradictory, you must be cool but real, be sexy but not too sex-obsessed, be charming but don’t try to play hard to get, or don’t talk about expectations yet expect things to go smoothly. All around, everyone has fears of being used, not being desired, being rejected, the fear of abandonment, or feeling trapped in a relationship. It’s a rigid game that we play, people play to have a family of their own. And if the game is played poorly, people struggle to carry on courtesy.

One major impact that makes us struggle in dating life is television. We see hundreds of images of gorgeous people flirting cleverly, then going in smoothly into graceful gymnastic sex, without sweating, bad breath, or talks about birth control.

Mary had a couple who went in with sexual problems. Helen was heavy and Bob watched a lot of television. Bob wanted Helen to lose weight and she said, “Give up. My family is full of fatties. No matter how much weight I lose, I’ll never be Michelle Pfeiffer.” Helen was hurt by his judgement, and she feared being naked in front of him.

Mary encouraged the couple to take walks after dinner. Doing the little homework will have them both be physically active together in a setting away from the TV. Bob made a fuss about it, but he was willing to sign up for the gym so they can work things out between them (No pun intended). Helen was on board and was glad to spend time with her husband away from the television. As time went by, Helen didn’t lose as much weight, but Bob started to care less about her weight. He wanted her fit and she was becoming the better version of herself. As they kept attending their session, Mary noticed that he appreciated her other qualities. As he put it, “Hell, she puts up with me.”

As we are already in a dull and risky situation, we can be torpedoed by gender differences. Men are taught that real men don’t express their feelings, only anger and lust. Society has taught them that if they are too nice, women will walk all over them. Women are taught to flirt but also to play hard to get BUT without being a tease.

At the same time, women yearn for a romantic hero who washes dishes and whispers, “I love you.” While men fear being too open about their feelings unless they are sexual feelings. Women in fear want to ask for commitment and men worry they will be looked down upon if they take out the trash or admit they’re in love.

Mary talks about an analysis about male artists, they express their feelings through their art. When men are off stage, they are the “cool” guy. On stage, they become the most emotional rollercoaster when they are about dating or heartbreak, like that relationship was life or death to them. Mary decides to talk about Chet Becker’s music which is filled with pain and yearning, while he’s off stage, he is a cool hipster. Jeff Buckley, George Jones, Joe Cocker, and the Everly brothers sing with their voices trembling, groaning, and roar with emotion. As Mary says, “On stage it’s okay to have feelings, off stage it’s important to be macho.”

Teenagers receive more lessons on driving a car than on dating and making relationships work. Mary asked a college student how she decided to get involved sexually and she said, “I don’t know. I just get drunk and do it.” One time a fraternity boy on a campus Mary visited was arrested for the date rape of a coed while he was on the phone ordering her “morning after” flowers. The night before, he thought it was consensual sex. The girl thought other wise, she was horrified that he didn’t understand what “‘No’ means ‘no.”’ She called the cops on him when she went back to her dorm. 

Many people marry to escape the rollercoaster of dating but sometimes they jump off the rollercoaster in a pit of lava. Mary warns Laura to tell her clients to understand that all that glitters is not marriage material. To analyse another person is seeing them in many social settings. Laura should encourage her clients to their date’s family, friends, and to be wary of anyone who has no family and friends. 

Women should listen to how men talk about other women and watch how they treat their mothers. We need to pay attention to how a date describes past relationships. Blamers are not good relationship risks. Neither are jealous, secretive, or controlling people. Dates who push boundaries and don't respect limits are likely to be bullies as time goes by. Too much intensity too early also bodes ill. Stable people go slowly. 

Mary ends the letter with her saying that clients (this can go for anyone) should pay attention to old-fashioned virtues like respect, loyalty, stability, and honesty. 

Thank you for reading and I hope this letter gives you reassurance on what to kind of expect in the dating life. We live in a world where we can date people across the world and live in the internet dating life until they have to make the big decision of moving over there or their partner living with them. Dating apps are used constantly and mostly to find someone to hook up with or cheat. I will say there is 1% that find a person to commit to. There are too many options in a world of unsatisfied people, there will always be someone better— it’s your choice to stay committed and remember why you started a relationship with that person.

Romantic relationships are real, the person that will understand you is out there. How do we attract our person when we have become aware of our solitude? To be the person you want to become and strangely focusing on yourself will attract when you least expect it. Being rejected should be a normal feeling, as much as it puts you through a spiral, learn to live with the thought of “it’s not time yet.” The language of letting go is to accept that your purpose isn’t about being with someone, there are many happenings in the world to only focus on entertaining a person or devoting your life to them.

Being in a relationship is not your whole world, just apart of your journey of growth.