Night Owl

Song to listen to while reading:

^^ This whole album has been my obsession for a couple months now, I knew only one song: Its You, but never listened to the album. Boy was I missing out, it’s perfect if you like indie music.

Hey ya’ll!

It’s been a week since I’ve been on break and I realized how much of a distraction school was for me. Being back has been kind of a challenge, I am so use to being on the go. It’s been alright this past week, I have been reading so much and catching up with people I haven’t seen in a while. I was looking at my camera roll to try and remember everything I have done this past week but I noticed that I don’t have many pictures. I have a video of me and my friends doing our nails at my job, me at the gym, selfies, a book I want to get later on from Barnes and Noble, and this really cool lego village display they had at an antique store I went.

Other than that, my body decided to tell me that it was done being stressed and I have been crying all week. I feel like I have been tense these past couple months, just overwhelming news about life and figuring out what the next step is. Everything was bothering me from how gross my clothes feel on my body, the way I ate, lack of discipline, and not feeling a sense of purpose, etc. This is not the first time I have felt this way, I am aware on what action I need to take. A moment of weakness that makes me not want to keep going and be comfortable where I am at. I have been so upset, it seems like people don’t want to be around me— I don’t blame them. It’s so easy to give up and sleep all day. Sadly, there are tasks that needs to be done. I wanted to keep up with blogging and try to set my goal but I really was in the dumps, and I did not want to get out. Even as I think about it, I feel like crying because I just don’t seem to have control with what is going on and my patience has lost it’s scale. I feel like I am spiraling into a pit and I get too much in my head that I just want to sit in my cave.

Everything I did or thought felt wrong and I couldn’t deal with how everything is playing out right now. Recently I have been feeling better, letting myself cry and dwell on my emotions have helped me get over them. This kind of reminds me of when you have a fever and the only way to recover is sweating it out. I am proud that I reacted better than I have in the past where it seemed like I was a ticking time-bomb and I just didn’t know how I was going to behave or if I was going to cause more damage to my life. As I learn more about psychology, I am grateful that I can learn how to understand and deal with my emotions. It’s kind of a comfort place to go to, when I was wallowing in my sadness I was finishing up Letters to A Young Therapist by Mary Pipher. Her advice to Laura on how to behave with self-distructive clients gave me a sense of awareness on how I should treat myself. There is a saying she said in her book, “We suggest misery is related to maladaptive behavior patterns, poor communication skills, irrational thinking, and a lack of meaning in life.” likeeeee that spoke to me. I am grateful for buying this book and hearing Mrs. Piphers words of wisdom.

The reason why I decided to make a post about this was because I wrote a poem about an owl that went in sync with my mental breakdown. where I live, we have two owls that have been in this area before we were here. They never really bothered us and kept their distance, until recently. She has been coming to our house and have kept a close range to us. Every night she screeches and yells from their nest. I don’t understand how her throats doesn’t hurt cause she would cry all night, our neighbors started to talk to us about how horrid it sounds at night.

Last week, I was getting ready to go to the gym. I started to cry because I didn’t like how my clothes felt on my body and I was sad that I have been going to the gym for three years now and I haven’t been trying like I use to. Comparing myself to girls that wanted it more than me and they are where they want to be. I started doing my workouts in my room and began to cry. Kind of just laying on the floor and letting myself just… cry. I decided that I was going to run the stairs at the stadium, when I got there there were police cars and I was like oop… So I just drove around til I felt better. When I arrived back home, I was greeted by my blind dog and went to get him his food. I went outside with him so he can do his business. As I was thinking, I noticed that there was silence. No crying from the owl. This was the first time in a couple months that we didn’t hear her cries. Maybe the coyotes weren’t in sight anymore or her throat finally gave out. I thought it was a funny coincidence how she stopped crying on the day I cried everything out. So here is the poem I wrote.

The Owl Who Cries At Night

Screeching through my bedroom walls,
time moved on, I hear a song.
Signaling that she’s here.
Convincing that she is an owl to fear. 
Her cries and cries at night make me wonder if she’ll be fine.
There was no peace in the gloomy nights,
Her reflection woke up the spirits, brought them into light.
A war I wasn’t aware of, 
I was ignoring a sense. 
Whaling on my last breath,
It’s time I give it a rest. 
In some way, our cries stopped at once
I open the door, and there was silence.
Tell me it’s been done.

It became a repetitive song when I would hear her cry at night, sometimes I would hear it from inside my house. I wondered what she was trying to say or signal— no peace. When I was creating this poem, I felt like I was going through my own wars and suppressing them from the light. I wasn’t aware on how big this issue was until that night, sometimes we can only take so much. I had to let everything go, as much as we tell ourselves or others about how much we know about mental health, going through it makes me feel like I learned nothing. Ah, so much vulnerability in one post, call me cringe! I hope everyone enjoyed my post, next one is going to be about Mrs. Piphers book.

Take care,

Val