Letter 4: Family Bashing

I have been really captivated by this song for some time now, and hope you find it as enjoyable as I do.

Happy New Year! (Well I suppose to post this during the week of New Year)

I am back in my hometown in Northern New Mexico, it’s been so much fun. When we arrived, I was greeted by my super high energy niece and my older sister. We caught up and enjoyed our time together. Later on that night we went to Old Town to walk around and be festive. So, we took my niece to take pictures with Santa. After we went to the gazebo to do some caroling with strangers, people were taking video of us. It was a fun moment, after we walked around some more— enjoying the adobe plazas and being a part of society. I am grateful to be with my family and enjoy Christmas here in my hometown. The highlight of my trip is when all my older cousins and I went to a country bar. We haven’t been in the same room for years. Crazy how much life gets in the way… and we suck at communicating. We all went to the dance floor when we heard a square dancing song and boogied our hearts out. When we were all hanging out, I noticed how much of a jokester they were and how much we have all grown. My cousin was telling me stories from when he was a teenager that I didn’t know about and catching up with my other cousins with life. I missed being around them, I forget how close we were as kids but it seems like we pick up where we left off each time we hang out. As I am getting older, it seems that I understand where my priorities should be and how I should spend my time. I am grateful to have the family that I have. At the end of the day, NO family is perfect but I know that my family will be there for me when I need their help. As Mary Pipher said, “While families are imperfect institutions, they are also our greatest source of meaning, connection and joy.” As you can tell, today’s letter is all about family and what they mean to us.

Mrs. Pipher starts off with the letter to Laura with a quote from Annie Dillard, “A day spent reading is a day spent well.” Mary spends her evenings by a fire while reading, usually work-related books or articles. She usually switches it up with an old favorite or something more on the fun side. She talks about how she was reading a case history about deep brief-therapy, a kind of therapy that lasts a few sessions but profoundly changes the clients involved. After reading, a bogus concept struck her, relationships take time. When we think we can give rushed advice but we sabotage a person’s emotions and not give them a place to go at a calm pace and carefully explore their situations. We are likely to harm people as we become ignorant about many aspects of their lives and jump in with obscured advice and grandiose plants to transform them.

In a case history, an African-American woman was living with a man she didn’t really like and worked a job she hated. She was on anti-depressants and described herself as chronically miserable. The therapist asked about her family and the client said that her mother was rude and said hurtful comments at a funeral. The therapist decided that was the root of her depression and misery. He felt that the mother had permanently stifled his client’s ability to express her feelings. He ignored other possible problems such as his clients bad job, not non-supportive partner, and lack of habits, alcohol and drug abuse, or the significant problems facing black women in the United States. Mary Pipher points out that the therapist helped his client get into rage against her mother. He demonized her mother to manufacture a brief, deep experience.

 The reason why Mrs. Pipher brings this story up is because with little information that the therapist received from his client, this therapist encouraged his client to re-write her history and replan her future. Clients go see therapists because their subjective truths are twisted in ways that distort their lives. We are here to help our clients examine these subjective truths and replace them with authentic realities. Although we may not know the mother in the case history, we should understand that we can’t make quick assumptions on a person’s life. The relationship between a parent and children is complex and unpredictable. There are honest parents that don’t raise honest children. There are some families I have seen that gave their children everything on a silver platter, they still came out as humble and weren’t ignorant about life. There are certain children that had horrible parents and they still came out of it with a heart of gold. Every so often, there can be a families that has a sibling covering up the mental health gamut.

Mary has seen many terrible things happen in families. (pg. 28)  She has seen a hairdresser's mother get so angry with her daughter and scalded her head. She has counseled incest victims and children abandoned by their parents. She watched middle aged businessmen cry when they talked about their relationship with mean-spirited fathers. She also believes that we can’t hate our families without hating ourselves— When I read this, it made me think about how I feel about my family dynamic and if this were true. Family is the root of our identity, it’s where we get certain quirks that we can relate to each other with. We can’t always escape certain behaviors since we are their DNA. I have my dad’s temper but I have more facial structures from my mom.

Although family is where we stem from, historically, therapists have used the dysfunctional family as an explanation for adults suffering and failing in certain parts of their life. By doing this and keeping the mindset; we are ignoring the effects of culture that can cause our depression, stress, anxiety. We lose focus on the effects of culture— of meaningless jobs, long commutes, bullying, and fears of poverty, war, violent death, and environmental catastrophes. We have forgotten what people have known since time began: Life makes most of us unhappy. (pg. 28)

Most of our psychological theories are not family friendly. Mary writes about how we used positive words such as “autonomy” and “independence” to praise distance and negative words like “codependent” and “enmeshed” to punish closeness. We have framed many loving acts as pathological and have confused people about the nature of love.

As she brings this up, I was reminded how I used to think that independence was an idea to be proud of. Not relying on anyone and isolating myself because that was the only way to focus. Over time, it made me feel alone and sad about not having much company. I was so used to the feeling that I decided to stay because I am comfortable where I am at. Although I am getting better, my thoughts always go back to thinking that it is better to stay alone. If I were to get disappointed, at least it’s with myself and not someone else because I don’t know how to deal with the emotion of being disappointed in someone I look up to. I feel like it hurts more when it’s someone from your family, especially from a sibling.

Anywho, we have acknowledged what families can do to people but we haven’t articulated what families do for people. In some cases, therapists have encouraged clients to pursue their own dreams without considering an aging grandmother who craves a visit, children who yearn for attention, or a sibling who needs an ally. In some way, we have to pursue our dreams/purpose without feeling the guilt of our family members. In Mexican culture, we are really big on keeping the family in the same area. We tend to not do what we love because we are caught up in the struggles and having to cater to our family dynamic. When we try to leave the circle, we get a lot of passive aggressive comments and try to make us feel guilty for wanting to live somewhere else.

“While families are imperfect institutions, they are also our greatest source of meaning, connection, and joy.”

Mary remembers having a client in her early forties who had three kids that were in high school and are about to leave the nest. She was in therapy to deal with anticipatory grief. She said, “I wish I could build a moat around our acreage and just keep us all together. We have had such great times.” and continues to talk about when her daughter was five, she nuzzled her father and said. “I’m melting into richness.” In my family dynamic, I would say that I get along with them but usually we fight a lot. We are all strong headed and my two oldest siblings don’t know how to talk to each other without pissing off the other sibling. We all have our moments but at the end of the day, we always come back to each other… Just thinking about our fights makes me angry lmao.

Although as therapists we discuss hurt and angry feelings, sometimes clients need to set limits and make position statements about what they will and won’t tolerate in their families. “BUT our goal should always be to strengthen families.”— When I read this sentence, in my mind I was thinking about how this may be true to an extent. There are many stories that people have told me why they don’t involve themselves with certain family members anymore. From having a relative sexually harassing another blood related person to having a relative being destructive and causing massive harm in their lives. Most of us were taught that no matter what, they are family and we need to forgive their actions. How much are you willing to let slide just because they are family? Are you going to be the one that stands between them and their consequences? Just because they’re a brother? These tough questions are going to challenge your morals and tolerance. 

With clients that have abusive families, we can tell them to find someone to love, that is family. Even if it is your second twice removed, seek out that person and build a family relationship. Everyone needs a kin.

Families typically reach out to us when they feel trapped. This often means that their attempts to tackle a problem are actually complicating things further. For instance, a wife seeks her husband's attention by voicing complaints, but this makes him feel pressured and causes him to retreat even more. Similarly, parents may want their teenager to open up, yet when they keep nagging for updates, the teen just becomes more secretive, leading to even more pestering from the parents.

Mary brings up a family that came to her for help. They were the Wilson’s family, their dad was a leather-clad biker with curly hair. He has two sons who wore the same black leather jacket and have the same red curly hair. The reason why they went to Mary was because their father was concerned about his sons flunking their class. The parents insisted the boys to study but the sons showed their manhood and the definition of their father by resisting school and homework. As they were in session, the Wilsons spoke gravely about grades and teachers' consequences. Mary’s perceptions changed when she saw the Wilsons at Dairy Queen and they were laughing over a banana split. After they put on their helmets and rode off into the sunset. After Mary saw them in the real world, she realized that therapy is a small part of a client's life. We have a responsibility to not screw up other parts that work.

When Mary was in graduate school, their field may have slightly softened its harshed views of family. They had a positive psychology movement and many clinicals have re-thought their attitudes. In ways, as the culture grows more toxic, most therapists are aware of the challenges that parents face. Mary is noticing that many families need to be supported rather than analyzed. She tells Laura that she will experience plenty of family bashing in supervisions sessions, books, and classrooms. She urges her to take it all with a grain of salt.

All families are a little crazy because humans are a little crazy. When alienating clients from their families we assume an enormous responsibility. What if we take away belief in family, what do we replace it with? If people don’t trust their families, who is it they can trust? 

Mary talks about when a client tells you that you are much more understanding than his wife, the therapist can say, “But I don’t see you every morning at the breakfast table. It’s easier for me to be detached. I only get to deal with you one hour a week and I don’t have to convince you to mow the yard.” 

When a client begins, “I grew up in a dysfunctional family”, you can say, “Let’s not worry too much about what we call your family. What actually happened?” 

When the client moans, “My parents are responsible for my despair,” you can say, “We can talk about that, but we can also talk about what you can do to be happier.” 

Families for all their flaws are one of our remaining ancient and true shelters. At the end of the day, families not therapists will be there for our clients if they lose their jobs, go to the hospital, or need someone to show up at their bowling tournaments. 

A quote from poet Robet Frost

“Home is where 

When you have to go to there

They have to take you in”

He also says, “Families are something you somehow haven’t to deserve.” 

As I see families, I can’t forget that they have solved thousands of problems without a therapist's help. I can be seeing them in the February of their lives but it won’t always be February… June will come in, the sun will warm up their faces and they will be living in another time with a whole new scenario. Hopefully in a timeline where they are enjoying each others company and have many cries about their childhood. 

If you have made it to the very end, thank you for reading and seeing me understand my position as a therapist. I haven’t posted on here in a while because I couldn’t afford my membership and for a second, I felt myself lose interest. It’s not that I don’t enjoy blogging, I just don’t stay consistent other than taking photos. 

It has been a whirlwind of a January. I went out, watched my friends perform some cover songs at Globe Night, boogied on the dance floor, turned 25, and celebrated my birthday. My brother surprised me with a PS5; it was truly an unforgettable night. My 25th birthday felt cinematic, and I couldn’t have asked for better company than my family. A friend did my nails, we made snow angels, and spent time just lying in the snow. I cherished the tranquility of those moments; they allowed me to appreciate the simplicity of nature. This January was filled with memorable experiences that I valued greatly. 

I want to finish this series, and will be posting soon.

Thank you for your time,

Val