Letter 11: Self-Care
Song of the Day.
Dear reader,
One week into my summer break and I have been taking advantage of every bit of freedom that I have. I’ve been bed rotting, working out, hanging with the fam, taking aesthetic pictures, reading, and researching on how to strengthen and grow my hair. Being at home and looking at everything, I need to do a Summer deep clean. My house is kind of cluttered with clothes all around the house. I want to pick all the knick knacks I don’t want anymore and have a garage sale next month. I really need to save as much money as I can. There is so much self-care that I NEED to get done, I don’t want to give myself to so many people. I’ve always struggled to take care of myself and make sure I am okay before anyone. When people think of self-care they usually think about face mask, a massage, putting on a hair mask, keeping up with hygiene, or time for yourself. All of these are true but it’s not only about hygiene, but it can also be anything that helps you reach your goal, learn discipline, and as Mary Pipher said, “Taking care of yourself is partly a matter of practicing what you preach.” I will be needing a lot of self-care when I start going more into my profession as a clinical psychologist.
Mary starts off the letter to Laura about a colleague that decided to leave their profession. He made a joke about how he wants to open a bait shop, but the truth was he was getting worn down. During his session his mind would wander to conversations with his wife, what he wanted for lunch, or places to go fishing. Carl had a Ph.D. in clinical psychology but he wanted to mow lawns, shovel snow, and help people clean their gutters.
There have been many people that have left her business, every year some therapists leave for something less intense. And there are some therapists who should leave but don’t. They get burnt out but stay in the business due to inertia.
Talking to Carl reminded Mary to tell Laura something about protecting yourself that no one told Mary when she was a graduate student. “Taking care of yourself is partly a matter of practicing what you preach.” It can be hard to coach someone to stop smoking when you reek of tobacco or do other substances. as Mary wrote in the letter, “You can’t be a good parent or therapist if your message is—do what I say, not what I do.” Caring for others is only sustainable when we’re willing to care for ourselves with the same steadiness and compassion.
“Take care of your brain. Therapy is not work we can phone in.” Mary tried to do therapy after she had been up all night at a concert in Kansas City. All day she yawned and fought back nap attacks with caffeine and sugar. She believes that her client didn’t receive their money or times worth that day. Although we do have those night where we can’t control what goes on like lousy neighbors or sick children but avoiding concerts or going out on the weekends cause help your performance more when going into sessions during the weekday. Mary’s husband, Jim, says, “Never operate a chain saw or do psychotherapy without a goodnight’s sleep.”
Mary uses an example on making sure we are always moving or whenever we can. Every hour Charles Dickens wrote; he walked an hour. Mary has a colleague where he would chop wood after work and another who would ride her horse daily. For me, I already know what I’ll do to keep myself active. Going to the gym, hiking, play pickleball, run around the neighborhood, flying my kite, run a 5k, etc.
As Carl Jung once said about therapist, we are “wounded healers.” We have mental illness in our families or trauma in our own backgrounds. We can get drained out in our own self-absorption, if she can sum up a book of advice in three words, it would be—"Have a life.” Have relationships and interest besides work. Do things that will make you happy and recharge your batteries. Personally what charges my battery is an episode of Bungo Stray Dogs (specifically when Ranpo first meets the President.), a good book, tanning, antique shopping, sleeping, and flying my kite.
Being a psychotherapist is no walk in the park. Mary says that they deal with suicidal clients, hassles with managed-care providers and worries about abused and neglected children. For Mary the hardest work is being present when couples decide to get a divorce. Absorbing all their pain drains her. She says, “If we don’t find ways to cope with stress we will suffer from bad ways.” I will identify half a dozen things I can do to soothe myself.
When Mary and Jim opened their practice, they chose to limit the number of hours they worked throughout the week. She viewed themselves as exhaustible recourses but as a human-sized toolbox they need careful management to keep their therapy energy sustainable. They weren’t big spenders so when they would close their office, they would go to see their kids swim meet or violin recital. They valued time more than money and were careful about selling their time. Taking this advice gives me reinsurance that I have my own life to give attention too; my profession is not my whole life.
Mary limit would be six clients per day, but she has seen stronger therapist take in more than she has. Although she thinks it’s good to have therapist that have a fire burning under them, she tells Laura to make sure she doesn’t have too many DCs (difficult customers) on her caseload. I can always say no, which is hard since I am a people pleaser. I can’t let flattery seduce me into taking on a case when I am already at my limit. Referral sources will press you to work more, they will say, “I don’t trust anyone but you to handle this important case.” I can always say no, I am not sure how I will manage. My guilty conscious will tell me that If I don’t help them, will they ever be in a place of stability? Yeah, I’m definitely going to do self-care for the rest of my life.
“Follow the code of ethics to keep both your license and your sanity.”, Mary said to Laura. In this paragraph Mary gives Laura many DON'Ts for being a therapist like not to give IQ test or administer a personality inventory to anyone that she personally knows. Make sure that she doesn’t see anyone even remotely connected to her life outside of therapy. She can’t diagnose and label her neighbors. She can screw up perfectly good friendships by being therapeutic. She shouldn’t be persuaded into fulling inappropriate requests from clients. She can’t meet clients for lunch, buy anything from them, or anything related to the outside world. What makes the relationship powerful is that there is no string attached, it’s best not to attach any. Makes me wonder how therapist do when they live in a small town, are they always in isolation from others?
This advice can be hard to follow but only thing harder is not to follow it. The stakes are high in the world of therapy. Mistakes can cost lives, if we don’t care for ourselves, we can become depressed, anxious, or angry as the clients. Mary tells Laura to think carefully about how to protect, replenish, and enjoy herself as a therapist. She doesn’t want her to be selling bait and shoveling snow ten years from now.
Pipher’s message is clear: therapists cannot pour from an empty cup. Their inner lives—their energy, clarity, and emotional balance are part of the therapeutic toolset. By tending to myself with intention and compassion, not only will this protect my own well‑being but also enhance my capacity to help others. Self‑care, then, becomes an act of service: a way of making sure that I remain present, grounded, and capable of offering genuine healing.
Thank you for reading.
